bluegoldfish

more at

2008-05-20T14:35:00.000-07:00

more poems (italicised in green) throughout my blog at brokenflamingo

paranoia; what a life we live; delusions; running scared

2008-05-20T14:29:00.001-07:00

paranoia
did i tell you i dont go out no more?

there’s a man on the corner in a black raincoat
he is a monster, standing under the streetlight
smoking a cigarette, watching my house,
thinking my name.

so
i’ve locked my doors and shut my windows
and closed the blinds
i can hardly turn a light on
more or less look at myself.

i know he’s out there
for i have seen him.

and i dont go out no more.

because there’s a cab driver going down my street
writing my name on a piece of paper and slipping it
to the man in the backseat, smoking a cigar in the darkness.

and they know i know.

and there’s a man sitting near the subway
looking for me from behind the dark sunglasses
he wears at night.
he plays the guitar
and if you listen closely
every once in a while my name
whispers through his lyrics.

and my mother isnt my mother anymore
she is a ghost, making hollow footsteps on the rug,
she works for the man in the raincoat
flicking his cigarette and thinking my name.

and my dog has tried to kill me
they’ve put things inside his head
and now he is a dragon
spitting fire when he barks.

but he dont bark no more.
i’ve put a stop to that.

and i can see the man from here,
standing in the rain.
he has no face, he checks his watch, he is the devil.

my sister says i’m paranoid, that mother’s still alive
but i know the truth, i saw him there.

thats why i dont go out no more.
have i told you that?

**************

what a life we live
got a knock on the door
tv blarin talk shows
sally showed up on montel
had problems of her own
that oprah couldnt solve
macaroni cookin on the stove
cat sunnin on the couch
dog barkin at whoever's knockin
clyde screamin at maria next door
cops eatin donuts on the curb
smokin cigarettes and laughin
what a town we live in, i say
what a life we live

taxi parked outside
while denny gathers his things
screamin at susanne
as the kids runnin around outside
in no clothes
aunt clara eatin cheerios
and self help tapes blarin through her headphones
got purple polish on her toes
tattoos on her legs
glitter on her face
momma's walkin round at her own pace
what a house we live in, i say
what a life we live

step outside and see
old joe sellin cigars from his car
makin no money for the third day
while jackson walks up and down the road
talkin to no one in particular
handin out twenties
and smilin with his toothless grin
while grandma is the next of kin
to ninety year old lou
who still sings in the church choir
on market street
and wears a white mustache
and cowboy boots
what a world we live in, i say
what a life we live

**************

delusions
you got your dog playin poker again
and your cat drinkin whiskey while
your mama’s smokin like a chimney
and your fathers at a peep show
you got your brother passed out on the floor
and your sisters takin coke

you turn to see
a mouse on a noose
and a cow runnin loose
in your yard

theres a snowman across the street
watchin the neighbors get undressed
and a man in his car
waiting for the signal
from the snowman across the street

they work for the man down the block
with his telescope and magazines
and the beer he guzzles nite and day

the calendar says july
but you dont see how or why
theres a snowman across the street
with bulging eyes and a long orange nose
he hides his mouth with a big blue scarf
but you know he has teeth
and he wants to eat
the neighbors across the street

your head starts to spin
you throw up again
and you realize
it was all a long dream

**************

running scared
i’m running but i’m not scared of what i see
i see the clouds above me
in front of the everchanging colors of the sky
the wind touches me and lets out a sigh
and i’m hiding from the woman down the street
as she talks to herself and never sees me
i ran into the ancient burial grounds
with the tombstones from yesterday
and they all have my name carved into them
with different dates
and i’m running past the twisted trees
and the churches with the beautiful glass
and the angels looking after me
i ran into the forest and swam in the lake
i felt the rain upon me
and the thunder calling out for me
i climbed the stone wall
and fell into the buring pile of insects
they enveloped me
but i got free
and i’m running on the beach
in the dark humid nite
theres no stars shining down on me
all i can see
is my shadow chasing after me
and i darted into the traffic
and the horns shouted out at me
and i ran into the graveyard
with the black cats and spiders
lurking around me
and i ran into the mausoleum
and i talked with the woman
talking to me
and i blew her a kiss
and she touched me
and i felt the coolness of her hand
and i turned and i ran
i ran away from her
i ran from the ghost
who called out to me
and said “the only way to get back home
is to quit running for a change”
and i smelled her rotten stench
and i ran from the decaying bones
as the hands came up after me
i turned away and i felt something
slimy against my skin
so i ran into the forest
past the bare trees
and the owls looking after me
i found myself staring at myself
sitting on my porch
the sun was setting
across the mountains
and i waded in the streams
and caught a fish that nite
i ran into the sky
felt free as a bird
as i soared into oblivion
with the wind in my face
and i’m not running anymore
theres nothing to be afraid of like before
i’m sitting in my room looking outside
and i dont have to cry cause everything is fine
tomorrow is another day i need not fear
i just hope that i’ll still be here
cause i ran and i guess i’m still running scared today

life; can you handle

2008-05-20T14:28:00.002-07:00

life
i got macaroni on the stove
and a tv dinner in the oven,
kool aid on the table
i got a cat on the couch
and a dog in the yard
i got a fish floatin in the tank
and one down the drain
my life aint mine anymore
its all fallin to my knees
i’m swimming in the ocean
and a vulture tries to get me
while i’m passed out in the desert
where am i?
i think i’m at your place
but i cant be sure
i dont recognize your face
from all the others

i got talk shows on tv
and talk shows on the radio
i got a window open in my room
and the air on in the other
i got the kitchen sink runnin
without the drain
whats the point?
i dont know
why the kids runnin round
in no clothes
and theres a mouse on the floor
eating cheerios
with my cat watchin the birds outside
you look at me and you see me
sittin at the sewin machine
makin sumthin for my dog
who freezes outside
where could you be?
i dont see you in the crowd

i got the gospel on my records
and the hard rock on my cd’s
i got self help tapes on cassette
whats with that?
and who are you?
i got the calendar on the wrong month
and the alarm set for yesterday
i got money spread around the house
and the car on in the driveway
i got a snowman in the yard
i drive a cab
but you havent called for one yet
where could you be at?
i didnt see you at the zoo
watching the lions eat their meat
i didnt see you at the museum either
where could you be?

************

last nite i had a dream
you came to me and held me in your arms
it felt so nice to be back
the way it use to be
you whispering in my ear
can you hear
my heart beating next to yours
in sync with your soul
its nice to see your face again
i missed you so
and can you feel
my hands touching your body
this is the way it should be
i dont want you to ever leave again

but when i get lonely
i lay awake and dream
that you are here
telling me
that there is more to love than just dreams
that theres more to believe in
than just what is there
that what you cant touch
may just be what you need

and love will always prevail
wherever you are think of me
and even when the nite is long
its long for someone else too
and not just you or me
and tears that fall they always dry
you just dont know why
the rain seemed to fall
and its always cold where i lay
unless you're there to keep me warm
cant you come and keep me warm
and talk to me until i sleep
i think thats just what i need

***************

Can you handle
tip my head to the sky
asked myself why
cant i be that perfect star up there
that everyone gazes at
singing

starlight starbright
first star i see tonite
i wish i may
i wish i might
have this wish i wish tonite

looked down at the sand
asked myself how can
i survive the crashing waves
that wash this sand away
without washing me away too

mirror mirror on the wall
who's the fairest one of all
look at me
its not me
cause i am such a mess
i can obsess i must confess
just dont obsess over me
cause baby i already got you down pat
so how is that?

look to my left and to my right
all i can see is the desert in my sight
asked myself which way do i go
whats the best
here or there
near or far
where you are
this or that
how bout that
take it or leave it
love me or hate me
whats it gonna be?

can you handle my desires
can you handle my fears
can you handle all the love in my tears
can you love me
for me and not what you need
can you handle the insanities that i bring
coffee or tea?
baby, black or cream?
me or
me

***************

i thought i heard your whispers
last nite in my dream
and the reflection of your face looked
right back at me it seemed
i was sleeping when i thought i was awake
but i know i heard your voice
and i saw your face
all those echoes are starting to scare me

this is not what i wanted
this is not where i need to be
in a hall of mirrors
with a glass of champagne

hello are you still there?
i can taste your skin
and smell that scent
it was me running on the horizon
running after you
thats all i seem to do these days

this is not what i wanted
this is not where i should be
in a house of horrors
with a bag of popcorn

you ran away but you are still here
my memory isnt as bad as you think
it was just last month you were there
telling me its all a dream
and someday you shall return to me

well this is what i want
this is where you have to be
in my arms in my bed
with our blanket of desire

***************

took myself down to the oceanside
had a bottle of wine
with a blanket of stars and seashells
waiting on him as he takes his time
but he can take all the time he needs
cause right now all these stars
just happen to be what i need too

if i could get outta this skin
then i think i would take a ride
down to the corner for a margarita

dont talk to me
cause when you do
you tend to linger
and i dont need that right now

took myself to the aquarium to see
all the sweet surrenders that are there for me
swirling colors fading into one another
blue lights turning me to dust
i knew i had to get outta there
the laughter was just too much for me

if i could get outta this skin
then i would spread my wings
and fly across this indian summer sun

maybe you should talk to me
cause when you do
you tend to melt me away
and i need that right now

took myself to the desert
thought maybe i could get a glimpse of the future
if i stepped into the past
but all i saw were the clouds
covering the marble sky
and all i could think
was he needs his time
but maybe so do i

and i know

if i could get outta this skin
i would shed the memories i have of me
and send them to the moon
cause theres no one on the moon
and thats just where i need to be
right now

so talk to me
i may not be your beauty queen anymore
but at least we can still smile
and thats what we both need right now
while we take up all the space needed

losin myself

2008-05-20T14:28:00.001-07:00

losin myself
took the day in soaked it in my skin
lost my mind in a moments time
thinking bout where i never been
what i never done
and why he just aint where i need him to be

i just been losin myself too much
waiting on things that arent coming my way
thinkin things that prevail over what should be there
and what isnt there
is what i need the most
but i'll just count my blessings and wait
for the moment when its all ok for me

took the night apart soaked it in my heart
found my life in the second i thought he was alright
thought about what was right
and who was wrong
and sometimes i seem to be so wrong
but so can he

and i just been losin myself so much
walkin down roads that dont go anywhere
spreading my wings when i cant fly
thought about takin a vacation
while waiting on him to get his act together
and tell me its not just show and tell
and someday it will be more important
to look back and laugh

whats my name again?
i cant seem to remember much of yesterday
the lightning strikes me so hard
that it shakes the sense outta me
and i fall over
just waitin on him to say he loves me
more than he loves myself

but i've been losing myself a lot lately
sayin its alright and he's just fine
waiting on the rain to fall
thinking it just wont ever come again
but the more i listen then
the more i know
he's there for me
even when i'm not there for myself

but there are times when i see
i've burned myself dry
waiting on myself
to wake up and realize
i needed to open my eyes
long before then cause
i've been losin myself too much
and i'm glad he's there to find me
when i need to be found
hope i can find him too
when its his time to be found

i just wish he would give himself time
to fade into me
cause i seem to keep fading myself
into him

***************

just me
if i peel away myself
do you think i'll find me
hiding somewhere underneath?
and if i wipe away the sand
will i find the castle
thats been lost there for years?

i thought the sky was falling
but i guess it was just me

when you wash away the skin
do you think you'll find yourself
living on top of some old bones?
and when you let out a thick breath
do you think you're whispering my name
when i cant even hear your voice?

i thought the boat was sinking
but i guess it was just me

if the wind knocks me over on my way to see you
do you think you'll come to rescue me
when you dont even know if you can survive?
and if the land starts to break with you on it
do you think i will snap you up
when i cant even snap myself up sometimes?
but babe i think i'll try

i thought the dead were talking in hymns
but i guess it was just me

it always seems to be me

mama

2008-05-20T14:27:00.002-07:00

“Mama what does it mean when Daddy says
not to come
when i am already there with him
chewing on my bubble gum?”

mama looked up at me
with wide eyes
and to my suprise
daddy ended up shot down
and now mama’s doin time downtown

“he neva shoulda touched you at all"
she said to me
from behind a glass wall
with tears running from her eyes
“you’re only five”

i didn’t know he was doin something bad
until mama took things into her own hands

**************

the dark is lingering
and bringing back your spell
the time is almost near
and its all the same as it usually is
we both know we have nothing to fear

i run into you
same time same place
bending time and space
lost myself in your papercup
just like i always do
when we go to the late nite picture show
and then back to your place

if you put your lean meat
in the darkest of my caves
you just might bring on the waves
that flutter through the sea
that floats inside of me
and i like to feel your earthquake
as it enters when i am at my highest stake
this is what i think i crave

so touch the mountains
and kiss the peaks
make the sky quiver with your silences
and take your time my sweet
this is what we both need

and

i can feel you waiting there
in antici
pation
for the arrival of another tremor
escaping my wet bayou.
i can feel you waiting there
fingers soaking from the rain
that seems to pour from
my sweet ravine.

and i am waiting here
ready to take all the meat
you offer me
and swallow it
deep.
i can sweep you off your
feet.
as you take your time
silencing my bayou
waiting for your own tremors
to pound into the ravine.
i think its time
we take a ride
down to the central station
where we both can relinquish ourselves.
waiting in antici
pation
for the moment we join.

**************

hey pablo
hey pablo
maria said she needs a ride
cant you help a poor soul out
once in a while

she needs to disappear this time
in a perfect green martini
and a blue guitarist
singing sweet jesus
amazing grace
this is a purple haze
cant seem to wake from my weary days
this mountaintop is way too high
and i think i smoked too much tonite

hey pablo cant you see
the cubistic ways of yours tear me
into a three way silent school girl
jump rope
skip rope
one. two. three.
lets go to the corner for a cigarette
i think i need a drink

hey pablo you know
since humpty dumpty fell off his wall last nite
i havent been the same
and pablo baby i cant even remember my own name.
wait for me while maria locks up her mind
away from your hands.
i’ll take my time getting there
meet me halfway in the sand
i’ll soon get somewhere
but only if you help me out
hey pablo
cause maria needs a ride tonite
cant you help a poor soul out
once in a while

you think

2008-05-20T14:27:00.001-07:00

i guess you think i’m not sleeping alone tonite
i guess i think your right
theres a second shadow sleeping underneath my covers
if i turn out the light you wont know about the others

for all the time i lost
i guess its time i make a change
i’m runnin down to the shore
maybe you’ll be there when i see
the stars watching over me tonite
cause i am not sleeping alone this time

i got lost on my way to your big break
forgive me i need to be awake
when you shoot the motors running in my mind
this is not where i need to be tonite
i should be sleeping alone this time
but i guess its ok, love
we all make at least one mistake
this time i made three to your none

and one of these days
i think i’ll learn the danger of my ways
and maybe one of these days
i’ll change my ways
and turn around and come home
i just need to rearrange my wig
let me put on my makeup, you see
i’m losing the look i tried to find
in your duffel bag
hollywood aint ready for you babe
they need me tonite

**************

thought about leavin
the faster you leave tonite
the quicker i can get back to grey
if i live one more nite in this garage
i think i’ll never see another day
and i know we’ve all seen things
that no one wants to talk about

you thought about leaving tonite
baby take me with you
this aint the way i need to be wasting
the time i dont got to waste

so let me jump on your back
walk me down to the ocean
its the only salvage i reside in
i dont agree with what you want me for
but baby i think i’ll stay
right here on your back
i just need a little gravity to keep me alive

i thought about leavin last nite
baby i’ll take you with me
this aint the way we need to be wasting
when we aint got the love to waste

blue raincoat

2008-05-20T14:26:00.002-07:00

blue raincoat
you called me up
on the tele
phone
i said baby i aint here
leave a message after
the tone

i wonder
what your doing out there
in this black detroit sky
on the coast of my survival
in my blue raincoat

steady my hands
as it comes
i cant stop shaking
lately
it all seems
to destroy my
image of myself
whats it mean
if i am made of
you and
you are made
of darker meat
than i am use to tasting
chocolate on my fingers
tasting good
youre part of me now
steady your hands
as i come
oblivion in your mouth
raindrops on my blue raincoat

***************

another round
if i said tonite
would you tell me the same
if i said i saw an ordinary man
in your eyes would you push me away
buy me another round
youre so beautiful
you can own me now

like dreams
the animal in you seems
to be perfectly perfect
impossible to pass
the ride is so smooth
i think i lost my way on that horizon
yesterday i was asleep
today you woke me up

you know what i want
let me take a drink of you
i bet you taste like strawberry wine
in your white trash suburbanite home
and your blue collar
under the wing west side story
i bet you think i think youre what you seem
if you think i cant see past your hardcore jealousy
then you must think i got lost in your
delieverance of my bugle
that i left last nite in your back pocket

boy youre so beautiful
buy me another round
and let me own you now
before king jupiter gets his hands on you

***************

down
i live in a simple grey hotel
just corners away from your backyard
i drink myself dry
and i see why
i can never stay away too long

open your door my love
give me my oblivion
while i walk down your oceanside
waiting for the tide
in the middle of july

down
down
down
is where i think i’ll go
down
down
down
wont you come with me
and keep me away from what i wanna see

wrap me up in a month of blue
and wash away my green desires
and the pink tears that talk to me all nite
if i tell you i’ve been alive for just a year
will you wake the dead man sleeping in my car
i cant get too far
with him there too

***************

refreshment
and if i tell you that i am coming
would you pick up your pieces
and be ready
for my arrival on the next
aeroplane?
with my rhinestones and my headphones
i will come a walking in your direction
i just thought it would be nice to do some checking

and this is the refreshment that i needed
this is the dessert i thought i could be eating
i just wish that you tasted more like chocolate
and not the sweet vanilla that is on my tongue
but its alright cause you're the one i love

if i met you in a hotel social elite club
and danced all nite in the pub on western avenue
would it all be the same as it is today?
if i hadnt watched you breathe
would you even know my name tonite?
i dont see how
and i sure as hell dont see why
it could all be the same
as it is on this nite

but you're always the refreshment that i need
and you're always the cake that i like to eat
cause the frosting tastes better if i lick it slowly
dipping out the cream
in between
even if its vanilla on my tongue
cause baby you know you're the one i love

if i eat your reflection and wash it down with milk
will i be a better girl in the morning?
wont you love me more?
wipe away the cookie crumbs
wash away the fingerprints
i wasnt there tonite
and you werent in my head.
cause i wasnt in your bed

you got me confused
with a confrazzled little whore
that i am most certainly not anymore

but you can break me open wide
and you can eat out all my insides
as long as you let me do the same
cause you're the refreshment that i need

thought about

2008-05-20T14:26:00.001-07:00

thought about taking a vacation
running away from it all
cant seem to erase
what i have of you in my head
sometimes i wish i could touch you
but you arent even here
when i wish you were here

got a red balloon
and a pink pony named blue
got a car that dont seem to make it
anywhere i wanna take it
cant seem to fake another
empty smile
lonely cry
think maybe its time
to take a nite off

thought about getting away
but i dont know how to swim
**************

if i fold you in two
will you fit better in my pocket
its a cold monday morning
and the sky is far from blue
i want to take you away
and lock you in my room
cause you're all i wanna linger into

so if i bite into your vanilla chocolate sucker
and take it down deep
will you tremble at my discretion
will you walk me home tonite

cant i wrap you up in sweet georgia grass
and inhale your aroma from my skin
if i scratch down your back with my nail
wont you kiss me goodnite

on the way to the pictureshow
i took you in my fingers
and took you into my world
on the way to the pictureshow
i made you mine

dollhouse

2008-05-20T14:25:00.002-07:00

i live in a dollhouse
on your fifth avenue
the red velvet sky
dances under your blue wind
and i hear your cries
singing sweet jesus
i'll wrap you up under my wings tonite

i found your face in my magazine last nite
if i pull your black match from its book
can i keep it under my pillow
for good luck

where are you headed?
you should be coming to my dollhouse this evening
i live on the third floor
next to mother theresa's twin money making sister
wake me up when you get here

all i ever wanted
was you to tell me i'm the one
who speaks the words you need to hear
its all so trivial
and i feel so useless

all i ever needed
was you to be my purple sunflower
in the green blacktop sky
on my yellow cloud nine
thats where you can take me tonite

i live in a race car
on your new york avenue
in your orange painted sky
i will remain
this is so insane
with your blue tutu
and my pink dancing shoes
i will walk the mediochre way
you should come to my place tonite
i live on the third floor
next to mcguires baseball bat
wake me up today

***********

i woke up on an island
in the middle of the south pacific
with the black maroon sky
staring back at me
walked away without a scratch on my mind
and a vulture orbiting on my back
cant i get home today
cant find my boat this time
all i wanted was a little time to disappear
i never wanted to get away this far

1972
woke up in a blue cadillac
and a poodle skirt
with suede shoes and a jar of alfalfa
the ghost rabbit ate the backstreet grass
tears on the hand of a little girl
secrets told and untold
wake me when we get there
i'll take a nap in your gray dockers
silver shoestrings
green backpacks
marble sunsets

*********

if i could wipe the sun away
i think i just might
turn it into a full moon
orange and shady

i've been waiting for a longer day
and a karate smile
to wash away the blue sorrows
that walk the short road
on my pretty path
i gotta get away
but i'm stuck in the middle of last week
i've been around your block a couple times
twist me
break me
this is what you enjoy now i know
i've been here just way too long

************

je voudrais
i speak in simple french
trivial pleasures
lost measures
take my time
break your mind
your so meaningless to me

je voudrais
take your time
ungodly feathers
purple tethers
take my time
walk that long line
your words are so meaningless tonite

je voudrais
take our time
missionary mothers
painful fathers
forgetfull soldiers
lost in my own totem pole
take the time
to speak in rhymes
youre always meaningless in my heart

its you; take me away

2008-05-20T14:25:00.001-07:00

its you
i'm east of your perfection
in my precocious little world
i've got the bandages and the bruises
that point to where its all going slowly
its time i told myself
what that little girl inside of me already knew
that you're not coming back
and i'm not going anywhere

its not easy being me
and i think you knew that from the start
you know how to turn my insides out
the razor is falling faster than you think
put my candle down
let the flame go away
my weakness is just that
its you i see again in that picture
its you i see again in my head
i cant deny that you're scratched there
i cant erase what i dont want to lose

**************

he assured me
its going to be ok
i dont even estimate
the desire he puts in my mouth
its more than i can handle tonite

are you concerned with me
i’m changing faster than the sugar in your tube
faster than you can ever believe
i am not overly concentrating on what i need to see
cause i can forget just as quickly as i can remember
just who i am

take me away
break me and love me
and take me home
this is not my salt shaker
this is not my peppered love
i need your caramel to talk to me
i need the liquid kisses to feather over me
my farthing is fading
faster than my old blue jeans
he cant change my mind
i think i’ll stay the nite this time

***********

i'm so far away from myself
that the me that once shimmered
has faded far far away
and i cant seem to find myself this time
the map was smeared with water
and all the words look the same to me today.
and i think its too dangerous to go out and play

but if you can find me
then tell me to come home
cause there are things
and there are people
that need me here
i just cant seem to find my path
when the rain washed it far away

but what can i say
i cant seem to walk the straight line today
i cant seem to find
my own face in the crowd
i'm lost in my own surreal realm of wonders
and walking that curvy tight rope
that never can seem to stay in one place
i never did like rollercoasters anyway

every week i tend to be the last in line
when will i get my turn to be happy this time?

***************

miranda got a message from jesus last nite
he told her to tell you its alright
to sun yourself in the afternoon with me
cause we all need to take a little time

i know i am not perfect
i know i am not great
this is my test
to see if i can make this grade

miranda left me a message
dangling on my machine
it said god if your out there
please understand
we all make mistakesi try as hard as i can

but i know i am not perfect
and i know i'm not there
but if you listen to me now
i just might make it somewhere

bobby told miranda
thats its all okay
jesus told her to listen
he knows what to say
she only smiled
and left me a message
i know you're not perfect
but bobby sure thinks so
i think it would be best
if i were to go
cause my plastic jesus needs me elsewhere
but just so you know
i know you're not perfect
but neither am i

past one and two eighteen

2008-05-20T14:24:00.000-07:00

past one
its a little past one
and its cold where i sit
but i like it here tonite
in this october morning
with the black sky stars shining down
and if i were outside i'd sure be happy
but if i had a piece of you here with me
i'd be a little more sincere

a touch of your skin
a smell of your scent
a breath of who you are
a taste of your desire

in my tiny warm world
with a picture of a blue rose in my
pink spiral notebook
i have a clock ticking on my wrist
its a little past one and i'm all alone
i guess you can say i am missing you
but its not that easy to really say
when i am talking to you
you tend to make the words i wanna say
seem to disappear out of my mind
its so hard to say
the things i know you know i want to say
but all i need is

a touch of your skin
a smell of your scent
a breath of who you are
and a taste of your desire

************

two eighteen
two eighteen and i'm sorry to wake you
i just thought it would be nice
if i could hear your voice
its been a while, you know
since we last spoke
i hope its ok that i woke you
i just wanted to hear your voice
one more time because

you seem so far away sometimes
and i cant seem to grasp this
we live under the same roof
we see the same sun
i dont think i understand
whats going on?
one day you love me
one day i'm not sure
you even see me standing there
you seem so far away these days
i hope someday you let me in
i cant find the key
wont you unlock your door for me?

its two eighteen and i'm sorry to wake you
forgive me i just wanted to see your face again
i dont remember the last time you smiled
or let your eyes light up when i say
that i love you
dont you love me back?
dont you know how i feel?
its two eighteen have you forgotten i'm here?
cant you feel the simple brush of my touch
cant you see that i love you so much?
please baby dont cry

you seem so far away these days
i dont know how to deal
tell me how to make it all ok
cant you let me in the door tonite?

cant seem to sleep

2008-05-20T14:23:00.003-07:00

i cant seem to sleep tonite, darling
got you on my mind
cant seem to get past
these feelings i have for you
why are they so strong tonite
why do i miss you so much
all i want is your touch
your voice to talk to me until i sleep
i just need you in my dreams tonite
cause thats the only way we can be close
and as much as i love you
i dont know if you know

but baby we all make mistakes
and i am no exception to that rule
and we all have our faults
and we all have our times
when we just need to breathe
and i hope that you get happy
cause i dont wanna see you sad
and i hope you still love me
even when times get bad
cause baby i still love you
even when i am lost
even when i am confused
and time stands still for me
when i cant see what i need
but we always do need
and we always will need
each other to be there
cause youre my best friend
and i want you to be happy
i want you to know
that youre always in my heart
even when i am lost
confused at where i need to go
where i need to be

forgive me for not knowing
what i want
what i need
at this time in my life
cause i love you
i cant stress that enough
just have a little patience, have a little heart for me
trust me cause i trust in you

************

this is not what i expected
you trying to tame my heart with your words
the sincerity in your eyes
the smile in your voice
i didnt know you thought so highly of me

i live down by the ocean
and its nice at nite to lie on the sand
stare at the stars
my body surrenderring to your hand
but dreams seem to stay
just what they are
dreams
in my head at nite baby

and thats not what i expected
dreams turning my head
from you my darling
dreams making remarks
your voice laughing once more
smiles coming from your end of the line
thats what i need tonite

and i live
at the end
of a long lost line of thoughts
that keep spinning
and if i cant get them to stop
wont you take me down
and tell me what to do

and its 3am and i am still awake
taking my time to sleep
cause it wont happen any other way
this is just not my day
cant you see
my body longs for more than i can give it
the sleep just wont come

**********

well its two in the morning
and here i am alone again
with me and me and my thoughts
what am i gonna do with myself
if i am to be here one more second
with the cool breeze and full moon

i wish the ocean were my backyard
cause i dont need to be here anymore
i think i need a vacation
a new religion
a new location to call my own

i wish i could hide my anger
the way you can
i would be a better person
if i could just figure out myself
and not underestimate who i am

but to hell with all that
i am who i am
and if its not who i should be
then i guess i should be sorry
that i am not the person
i was never born to be
but sorry is all i ever am
and i need to get off that high

i think i need a new identity
to call my own for a while
to disappear into myself
i think its time i went away
got myself the help i need
when all i need is to be
what i am missing

***********

watched you pull up to me
"what have you been waiting on?"
i heard you ask
simple but true
i dont even know
so lets go

you and your plastic jesus
and my mirrorball state
we dont seem to get too far
but we sure have fun
now dont we

stuck tight next to you
"where are we going tonite?"
i heard myself ask
easy but right
you dont even know
so lets just go out tonite

****************

she walked in the door to see him there
watching tv
it was just that one last straw
that she couldnt take

"i'm going out, do you need something?"
she asked as she grabbed her car keys
no response so she was out
that door so fast he never even heard it shut
"its time i get away,
time to run away and leave him and this town."
she told the mirror as she pulled away
to somewhere she didnt know

the bank gave her what she needed
the station all the gas she could take
she hit that highway so fast
she didnt even look back
it was time to get away
from all that she could soon erase

7:27
she heard the man on the radio say
well its time he noticed she was away
when she wasnt there to fix him what he needed
when he needed to eat
she only smiled at the setting sun
and laughed at the man
sitting watching her tv
needing her when she no longer needed him
there went three years down the drain today

maybe when he sees her face
in a hollywood rememberance
on a movie screen, picture scene
he'll realize she just isnt there anymore
and he'll find someone new

that boy

2008-05-20T14:23:00.001-07:00

losing it all to the thing i dont need
took my picture frame to the middle of myself
to find out just what it is i see
cause i dont know just what it is i felt

parked my car outside his house
told him i thought i knew
just what i never did seem to know
he only laughed and led me inside
to see what he had waited for me to see
and now i finally can see
just what it was i needed this time

thought i saw jesus in his eyes
thought i felt holy in his arms
guess thats what i needed was just bit of religion
thought that was what i thought i could need
better not need that this time

slipping thru time and space
running away from this desert place
wind blowing thru my hair
hands touching my face
this is not what i need right now
but god it feels so right

jumping out of my skin
stepping into his
take a moment to reflect
just what we had
it wasnt so bad
there will always be
moments when we need to see
its better just to get away
and i dont need that
the way i thought i did

cause honey i'm happy
the way i am right now
and if i do fall
be there to catch me cause i'm already there for you

***********

that boy

that boy sure likes to dance
i enjoy the comfort of watching him move
he moves with so much ease
that it relieves the part of me
that wants to be like that

he came to me with a whisper
"why dont you dance, you never dance
and i think you need to be with me
cause i can make your time so much more worth it."
and i just smiled

he sure has me in a trance
the way his body can move
the way that boy can dance
he dances in my mind
god how he can be beautiful sometimes
in the right light

that boy's eyes glance at me
from across this smokey room
he said "i cant seem to erase
what i think you could be
and i've been waiting for you to wait for me,
havent you waited for me?"

he took my hand
spinning me around that dark place
taking my mind off what it was on
how i thought i couldnt be so free
but i was free with him there

that boy sure can move mountains
with those delicate hands of his
and trembling eyes
that boy sure is more
than i ever thought that boy could be

i leaned in close and whispered right back
"where have you been for so long,
i think i could have something good here
if you just think the same as me."

that boy looks so good under the green light
his body twists to conform to what i like
his graceful fingers and dashing smile
melt the butter in me
the way he can move around me

the way that boy can keep his brown eyes on me
from across this dark room
is more than i can believe
that boy is nothing more that that boy
has ever been
under this new light
and i like to think that boy is mine

tonite

2008-05-20T14:22:00.002-07:00

ten til the hour of three in the morn
dont know where i'm goin
in my black cadillac
down the middle of my mind
speedin past eighty
the black marroon velvet sky
and the stars that blanket me
my moment of clarity
and all i need is another hit
off this coastline to bring me down

on the seaside to your circumstance
upside down i'm landing in the backyard
a girl needs a new identity
once in a blue while
think i'll take some time
to get back home tonite
i think i'll take some time
to get myself away tonite

***********

in me

2008-05-20T14:22:00.001-07:00

its three in the morning
silent where i'm sitting
nothing but my own whispers
echoing back inside my head
caroline called me
said you might stop by
just what i dont need
to see you tonite

its cold where i'm sleeping
my bones feel like ice
if i close my eyes tonite
its you i'll see
i dont need this you know
i thought it was over
but then you come back to me

last time i heard
you went away to search for yourself
did you ever find yourself?
a piece of you will always be in me

its three in the morning
a candle on the table
flame almost gone
your sitting next to me
how i've missed you so
you came back to find yourself
you never found yourself til you found you in me
i told you before
you'll always be in me

when i am sleeping

2008-05-20T14:21:00.001-07:00

when i am sleeping

it was at that certain moment
that i thought i could survive
it was at that fleeting moment
that i thought i wouldnt be shaking in this skin of mine
a memory from a year ago
sure can seem like ten minutes back
oh the many things i seem to miss when i am sleeping
i think i'll stay awake this time

i wanted to fly
but i am always afraid that i'll tumble down
take a moment and i realize
i need a little piece of thread
to put my paper wings back in place
oh the many things i seem to miss when i am sleeping
but we are so safe when we are dreaming
i think i'll dream all nite

i stood there shaking my head
in the room all by myself
the band has gone and i'm left all alone instead
i think i broke a nail
but that doesnt seem to phase me anymore
i'm the same girl you use to know
just a little different you'll soon see
oh the many things i seem to miss when i am sleeping
i thought i saw you but it was my dream

i wanted to breathe through someone else's skin
mine is getting too familiar to me
just one more second and i'm back again
frankly i'm a little scared to open my door for you
i dont want this world
to seem any bigger than it already is
and i'm not as tough as people think
my candle wax melts too
and what am i gonna do?
oh the many things i seem to miss when i am sleeping
set the alarm for two i'll get up at three

miiisss

2008-05-20T14:20:00.002-07:00

my identity is gone
i'm just another face in this faceless crowd
three doors away lives a yellow mouse
he speaks to me when i am alone
and the blind man on the corner
swears he can see the future
but i dont think he really sees much for me
because what is tomorrow other than someone elses today
i was hoping you could come out and play
i miss you a lot today

my personality is gone
i'm just another boring stiff left in this boring world
down the street in a pink hotel
lives a poor man who died a year ago
when his money ran out with another woman
black jack and purple doves
they sing to me when i am asleep
but i havent slept much these days
do you wanna come out and play?
i'm really missing you a lot today

my sanity is gone
i'm just one more crazy child in this crazy world
i thought about you last nite
when i couldnt stay awake
the sky was falling and the earth was breaking
and you carried me away
but you didnt stay
so i guess that means you dont wanna play?
dont you miss me a lot today?

nobody understands

2008-05-20T14:20:00.001-07:00

nobody ever understands
that i have feelings too
they always think that i dont get hurt
just like everyone else does
but i bleed the same color
and i cry the same rivers
but does anybody ever care
i dont think they know
just what i am going through

when the day comes
and you can see through my eyes
maybe then you will realize
that i'm just like you
i get scared too
and i get burnt
and i cant always be the strong one
when i no longer have the strength
so please just give me a break
i dont think anybody understands
just what i go through
on the inside
even if the outside
seems to be okay

cloud nine

2008-05-20T14:19:00.002-07:00

cloud nine

sitting here in my caddy
on hollywood and vine
bout to go to mulholland drive
take a look out at the sea of LA
dance on the roof of my car with me
i need to have you here with me
but i guess if i have my tequila tonight
i'll just be too fuzzy in the morn
to remember that i slept alone
without you at my side

three am
not a sleep left in my soul
wide awake and nowhere left to go
i built my house on sand
and the tide is coming too fast
i think
i need
a break

i've got a rose in my hand
and a thorn in my finger
but its okay because nobody cares

what can i tell you
that you dont already not want to know
theres more to my 'i miss you' than you ever thought
i could drink your thick shake all night
and still be thirsty tomorrow

i thought maybe
if you came to my house tonight
we wouldnt have to be alone anymore
but youre not here yet
i guess you got lost on the way to my cloud nine

***************

in my own little storybook nursery rhyme
i am the queen of my own time
i can do anything you ask me to do
acrobats and clown acts i am the best
i'm just not too good at falling in love

the light it brings out the brown in your eyes
and i use to look at you and wish you were mine
in the past
i was no more than i am now
i was just a bit immature and not myself
on the full moon weekends when i was free
i felt like if i asked you
youd turn me away

wake up sleepyhead
the new day is just around the bend
with a kiss upon your cheek
and a smile upon your face
i know that i'm still the queen in this place
and what we were
and who we are
isnt the same anymore

september

2008-05-20T14:19:00.001-07:00

september

its been a while since we last spoke
and i was thinking that maybe you would be lonely
are you okay where you're at?
is it nice there?
dont you wanna come home soon?
i really do miss you.

i'm sorry we didnt get to say
all that we really should have said
we took it all for granted
that tomorrow would be here
i'm sorry that i'm here
i'm sorry that you're not
i wish that you
could be here.

its been a while since we last held each other
i was thinking maybe you missed me
theres a lot of people down here
who want to say
that they
miss you too
i hope you're happy
where you are now
i hope its better
than where you were on that day.

did you look outside?
did you wonder what was going on?
did you ask yourself
the same thing
that i asked me?
will you make it safely?
will i make it home?

that day changed our lives
mine and the world's forever
i kissed you goodbye
i didnt know
it would be
the last.

nine eleven
never thought it would be
the way its become
to the world and me
so far away
yet so close
you are.
i just want to touch you
i just want to kiss you
and tell you
how you're missed.

i know its time to move on
i know we have to go further.
i cant live in the past
when i need the future.

i dont think of tomorrow
as definitely coming.
theres always that chance
i wont see it coming.
i'm sorry i lost you.
i'm sorry you couldnt come home.
please dont ever think.
that we dont love you.

dont ever forget.
that you are remembered.
let the others know please.
they wont be
forgotten.

human

2008-05-20T14:18:00.002-07:00

i thought that maybe
if you came to my house
that maybe you could sleep in my bed
and we could talk all night
about things that were once said
about the things that we could do
if only we could do.

well its two in the morning
empty where i'm sleeping
and my bones feel like ice
beneath this shaking skin of mine.
i thought maybe i'd call you
but you never picked up.
its okay we can talk some other night
i just might not be as lonely next time.

turned out the lights
sat in the dark
and hid under my covers
while i thought of you
and better times in my life.
cheap beer on an empty stomach
it aint so good
but what else do i have right now
but old rememberances
and lost sorrows
on a desolate night.

i thought that maybe
if you came to my house
we could stay up all night
making love into memories
talking all evening
and laughing til we cant breathe.
but its okay
maybe some other time
when we're both not so busy

its four in the morning
still awake where i'm sitting
theres music in the air
but i'm not really listening
been thinking about you
for a long time now.
cant seem to erase you from my head
cant seem to take you out of my system tonite.
sometimes the loneliness gets to be too much
and i cant take it anymore.
i think i'll cry tonite
since its been a while
since i acted human again.

just thought i'd write
to say i love you.
just thought i'd let you know
how much i care.
its hard to say sometimes.
but whats left unsaid
can sometimes be the worst.
maybe you can think of me tonite
the way i think of you

my state of mind

2008-05-20T14:18:00.001-07:00

down on the avenue
in my blue suede shoes
on a silver lining
and i thought of you
driving through the country
on an empty evening
and i thought of you
thinking of me

like a sweet story
youre in my head
a myth of sorts
that i cant quite decipher sometimes
but you sure made a dent in my heart
you sure opened me up far
i never thought we'd end up like this

so far away
not close enough
and i was talking to you
in my own little moment
i was there
next to you
not quite my day today

down on the boulevard
in my raincoat with my umbrella
i was dancing to the music
inside your head
and i thought of you
as i rummaged around in the backyard
looking for a memory to keep
but there are none to find
and so i thought of you
thinking of me

and i dont like days that end in 'y'
when youre not by my side

===

sitting in my easy chair
with a picture of you tattooed in my head
wishing you were around
holding me when i need held
quite like now
but i dont know how
to say i miss you
sometimes i cant quite mutter the words
but you should know it

cause youre all that matters sometimes
to me and myself

my own snowflake
theres never another one like you
or me
we
can dance all night
and never hear the music

i dont think i ever want to leave you,
left out of my head
youre always there somewhere
in the corner or in the spotlight
i know
what i know
and thats how i care
just how to really say it i'm not aware

so i wait for the phone to ring
c'est la vie
i guess i can wait for you a bit more
if you'd wait for me
but i dont know if thats your fancy

===

take my breath away
you already did that
i woke up on a tuesday
with you on my brain
and your memory in my hand

hold me back
i want to come for you
i have to force myself
not to take flight,
in my american state of mind
i am never sure of myself
i am never sure of anything
these days

walk me to my door
i think i need a goodnite kiss
none will do except from you
and i think i really do miss you
but i'm not sure what love is sometimes
if being in love is like this
then how do i know what you feel
so far away from here
doing your own thing

east of the mississipi
and north of the south
in my little homemade world
the candles arent burning anymore
and the wind is talking in rhymes
those things i dont remember
make history more appalling
and my dreams really are dreams now
that time has gone backwards from me
in this lousy scene of my movie
i'm sending you my kisses
i hope they come on time
goodnite

inside

2008-05-20T14:17:00.004-07:00

sitting here
shaking in my skin
thinking maybe
i can be good again
in my bottle
locked up in my world
i can sense tomorrow
but i cant see much more

rub me down
i'm feeling tired tonite
kiss my forehead
take me all the way this time
i'm ready for you
waiting all day
cant seem to get you
off my mind anyway

sleep by my side
hold me all nite
touch me here
touch me there
baby i can almost taste you on my tongue
sugar so sweet you see
i wanna feel you inside of me
tonite

no

2008-05-20T14:17:00.003-07:00

so you think you can make me melt
well i think maybe you can
you can touch me
you can hold me
but that dont mean you own me
okay so maybe it does
but where are you
when i'm so far away
i wish your coffee bean skin
could touch my porcelain
but i guess not tonite
yea i guess not tonite

thought about you again today
driving down the highway
white knuckles on my steering wheel
think i'll stop right here
i cant fight myself anymore
gotta keep on going for
another three thousand miles

theres a white impala
parked in my backyard
dont know who's it is
but i think its yours
black white green
it dont matter who i've seen
cause i cant let you leave
no i cant let you leave

frozen

2008-05-20T14:17:00.001-07:00

frozen
dont touch me tonite
i am afraid i might crumble
at the slightest breeze of you
my inner core has frozen
and i'm not sure i can thaw
my own emotions anymore

but if you paint my picture
and give me all my freedom
i might just open up my hands
to you
and maybe i wont be frozen anymore

up on the 205
barbie at my side
always the boys kind
but she cant seem to find
the reason the 80s got left behind
she was so beautiful back then

but if you paint her picture
and give her the freedom she desires
she might just open her eyes
for you
and maybe she wont be frozen anymore

jack and jose

2008-05-20T14:16:00.002-07:00

fly me to another coast
i cant stay on this one
without you in my head
drag another bottle out
i think i emptied this one too quick
if i stand up
i just might sit back down with jack
before i meet jose
i'm beginning to wonder
where i'm going today

yeayea

2008-05-20T14:16:00.001-07:00

got my mind in a box
cant let it fall away again
dont want to lose myself
the way i lost myself before
and i think that
if i called
i wouldnt pick the phone
i'd turn it off

i think i'm blue
i need someone to run to
i need a moments peace
away

from my little world
thats got me so damn gray

what a shame
the letter never got
to where it needed to be
in your arms
i think its clear
that my heart is too far gone

stay this way

2008-05-20T14:15:00.002-07:00

show me youre my king
show me the rules
and maybe i will abide
in this jungle of mine
that we call life

waiting for the phone to ring
but i dont think youre calling
looking for something not so bad
in this picture of mine
that i have in the back of my head

and i think time is a terrible thing to waste
and i dont want to waste any time with you
please tell me its okay
that we dont have to worry
cause i can take it
i can make it
as long as you can make it with me

baby

2008-05-20T14:15:00.001-07:00

baby i thought i should tell you
its been a while since i said these things
how i cant seem to breathe
unless i am breathing your name

the people inside my head
they're telling me to sleep sometime
but i think i'd rather write these words
before i lose myself
and the nerve to say them

baby i thought i'd call you up
but i cant seem to grip my words
i want to hold you in my arms
but a million miles
seems like three million more

the songs inside my mouth
they want to sing to you
i'd rather look into your eyes
before i cant say what i need to say

tooomuch

2008-05-20T14:14:00.000-07:00

dreaming
well it took me two cigarettes to get home tonite
and i think i might need three
just to get myself to sleep
and i cant keep my mind from thinking about you
when all i want to do is rewind myself
and suprise myself
with a few more hours of sleep

please dont wake me when i'm dreaming
i might just be dreaming about you
and i dont want to lose that moment
of losing you

well its four am
and i'm sorry that i'm still awake
to keep you up so late
i just cant help the fact
that i want to call you up
and talk to you til the sun shines underneath my door

i dont want to wake you when youre dreaming
you might just be dreaming about me
and i dont want you to lose that moment
of losing me
*************

i thought about sitting you down
to tell you
all thats here to say
inside my head
but instead

its better for me to single out my emotions
and write them down
on paper

if youre not here
then i dont want to be
i dont want to feel
this kind of lonely any longer

from the moment i saw you
til the moment i said goodbye
last nite on the phone
its always been
a step close to heaven
in my direction
so i dont want to say goodbye
i am here to stay

youre a million miles away
and to me thats just too far
i cant stand this day by day
i want to be with you anyways

*************

i'm sorry for this situation
i'm sorry for all i did wrong in your direction
its me and always will be
i'm sorry you wont take me out there
for all the problems i am to you
i am to me as well
but what you dont love
someone else will

its funny how i didnt see it all
til i saw it all in me
when i saw it in you too
its nice to go away
its nice to stay away
but sometimes the day stays gray
and the blue shines in
to keep me back to basic

in my daydream
i thought i said goodbye
in my sleepwalking moment of clarity
i told you how sorry i was
that i put you through the pain
i put you through

its better this way
to say goodbye this way
its better to say
we had good times
we had our nice nights
but it still gets lonely as hell
living in this skin of mine
thats why i need to say
goodbye this time

one more night

2008-05-20T14:13:00.002-07:00

one more night

she's never been proud of herself
in a second of her life
and now that shes leaving
she doesnt know if she can turn back

one more night on the road
may just be her survival
one more night by herself
might just be her tomorrow
no one ever knows

where they'll be when they wake in the morning
in a world like this

she's never needed more in her life
than she needs right now
she's never had someone love her
the way that he does
she's never had someone see
the true colors that she has
until she met him
and now she'll never turn back

one more night on the road
may just be her survival
one more night by herself
might just be her tomorrow
no one ever knows where they'll be when they wake in the morning
in a world like this

she's never felt beautiful til now
she's never been more happy
about the person she's become
she's never been more alive
she's never been more of who she is
til she is who she is
and she wont ever change

cause baby
one more night on the road
may just be her survival
one more night by herself
might just be her tomorrow
no one ever knows

where they'll be when they wake in the morning
in a world like this

living in this moment

2008-05-20T14:13:00.001-07:00

i'm kinda lost in the moment here
thinking about nothing but you
cant seem to stop the emotions
from running all over the place
cant seem to stop
this smile on my face
when i get stuck on you

gotta stop livin in my reverie
thinking about you and me
just cant help the way you make me feel
the happiness the tenderness the sensuality we bring
into the equation
i dont want it to stop
cant wait to spend more time with you
and only you

dry martinis

2008-05-20T14:12:00.000-07:00

i'm standing here on my feet
shaking from what is once again
my own sanity staring back at me
i've got my hands in my pockets
and i've been here way too long
and i'm feeling so damn tired
of it all

i got reasons i cant even figure out
way too deep to discuss alone
and its much too much to handle
so its good if i could go away
someday i'm gonna make it
i just cant break it
to myself to leave tonite

with my dry martini hands
and my weary eyes
i can take another day
i can hold back the light
of tomorrow
if only i could see past today

pink haze

2008-05-20T14:11:00.000-07:00

i started to fade away
from a shade of blue
to a shade of gray
think maybe i dont wanna stay
this way

grasping my little world
i cant take this constant spinning
this constant ceramic emotion
that i'm flying high on

and in between the pink haze of the sky
where the horizon fades away
is where i'll be

early april morning

2008-05-20T14:10:00.000-07:00

early april morning
i learned how to love
on that early april morning
everything went from blue
to what i found lingering inside me
and its been a long time coming
since i have loved like i loved
on that early april morning
and i dont know what i would've done
if i hadnt found that love

its been a while since i could breathe
the way i could breathe that day
i've been up and down this coastline
and theres still not much to say
from where i left the conversation standing
on that early april morning

and i wrote you a letter
that i never sent
that i'll never let go of
i've never known a man quite like you
and maybe thats why
i went from grey to blue
and now i'm not either
i dont know my color

but now i see how youre back
and i see that you want to conquer
the woman in me
that use to see
the love that she saw
on that early april morning
when she found love
in you

strung out tonite

2008-05-20T14:08:00.004-07:00

its been a long long nite
and i'm a little strung out right now
i've got janis playing in my head
and some jose in my veins
i'm not quite sure whats been said
but i think i'm there right now
listening to my own breathing
as i'm sleeping
right next to myself

its tuesday nite
and i'm all by myself again
drinking cheap beer
and smoking stale cigarettes
i'm all i have left
and i'd drive all nite
if i could look occupied
with things to do
that i really dont have to do

its been a while
since i stepped outside this lonely place
and i can take all kinds of pain
but i cant take this holding back

sitting in a lincoln
on la loma avenue
underneath the striking street lights
and i'm thinking all about what to say
when i get the voice to speak

if only i could say
how nice it would be to stay
if i werent so strung out on jose
with janis in my head

vacation

2008-05-20T14:08:00.003-07:00

vacation
its a thursday
and the air smells like old photographs
and long lost memories
of who we were
and who we wanted to be

so i danced on the atmosphere
i dont think i was really there
but it felt nice to be away from here
even if i was right here
just in my own little world

i got doped up last evening
playing with the reality
that i dont particulary like
and i dont seem to remember much
i'm a little fuzzy right now
but i got some tequila and some rum
and i think i'm gonna have a little more fun
and if you like
you can come

because i need a vacation from myself tonite
its getting a little too lonely by my side
i cant talk to myself
and hear myself think
all at once anymore
its getting tough
to be sane
when i dont think i have any left

i'm gonna run
i just dont know where to
happy new year
and a goodnite to you
i need a vacation from myself this time

if i drink my cares away
i might be better today
i wont remember who i am
and i might not know your name
but i am still the same
just a little dizzy in my own way

so snap me up
and hold me down
and if this is what love is
then what am i
doing by myself

wake the stars

2008-05-20T14:08:00.001-07:00

wake the stars
i've been north of nothing
more than i've been around
and i'm so far away now
that i should turn and come home
but i'm waiting for the weather to change
and i'm waiting for the phone to ring
cause maybe then i wont be so sad

he said you can wake the stars
with a single smile from your face
and you can make the scars
go away from this place
and with a simple sound of your laughter
i can fall into your hands

i've got some old records
and a picture show on video
that makes me think of that piece of you
that once upon a time
use to be a part of us

and i'm so tired of all this cocaine
that seems to want to run
right through my veins
and the alcohol doesnt seem to help
keep me happy
when i cant seem to stop bleeding
these tears that i bleed

and he said you can wake the stars
with a single smile from your face
and you can make the scars
go away from this place
and with a simple sound of your laughter
i can fall into your hands

but baby
may
be
when the weather gets warm
i can shine
and when it gets better
you can be mine
cause i dont want to give you up
but i dont want to hold you back
when its time for you
to fall into my hands
because baby we fit perfectly
in our hands

right here

2008-05-20T14:07:00.000-07:00

i'm sitting here
and its after three
in an empty atmosphere
with a cup of coffee
and a thought of you
lingering inside me

how long has it been?
i'm so curious about you
that sometimes i'm scared to open up
like the book that you want to read
and i'm not quite myself today
i wish that i could take another step
without falling fast and falling hard
into this ocean that i hold
in my hands

where am i going
when i dont know where i've been
and i'm too far gone
to be this close to you

right now
but i cant stop the feelings that i have
when i cant seem to shake you out of my system
but i know thats where i want you to be
right here inside of me
and i know thats where i want you to be
right here beside me
right here with me

i know you think

2008-05-20T14:06:00.002-07:00

i got lost on my way to myself tonite
i circled around
and i took flight
and the cold morning breeze
is a little warmer than it seems
when youre too far down
and too far gone
to realize youre awake
i thought that i was dreaming
with open eyes
and long lost rhymes

in a moment of clarity
i dont have too many
moments like this
take a deep breath
breathe a little more
hold me up
i think i'm gonna fall

walking down the highway
on this coastal slope of of mine
in a black november overcoat
i hid my memories underneath
this skin of mine
and i think i'll shake tonite
if i dont get one more moment
alone

and i know you think i'm crazy
and i know you think i'm dying
but i'll be okay in a little while

give me time and west of east manhattan

2008-05-20T14:06:00.001-07:00

paper mache
and candy canes
i think i found my sanity
tattooed on the bathroom wall
of a bleak motel
on eighth avenue

well its four in the past
and i dont want to go any further
without you in my pocket

theres a weeping willow down the road saying
"sit beneath me
and your tears will be free"
so i sat
and i thought of you
and remembered all the things you once said
now locked inside my head
and i thought
"where did you end
that i had to begin?"
this isnt very nice

well its four in the past
and i dont want to go any further
without you in my pocket

sitting in my car
in the dark
i got your photographs
underneath my overcoat
and a poster of tomorrow
sleeping in my backseat
three thousand miles
west of east manhattan
where the rain still falls on my rooftop
and when i call
you dont answer

well its four in the past
and i dont want to go any further
without you in my pocket

**********

give me time
i'm walking without my net tonite
and if i start to crumble
do you think that you can catch my falling stars
before they fall too far
and fade away

just like the ghost in my head
i dont think i can stand
to be alone again
in the dark and dying evening
where i'm sleeping
in a bed of bad dreams
and moonlit screams
i think i need you now

if i came tonite
would you let me sleep some more
i dont want to be alone
i scare myself
when i hear myself talk
its an unusual sound
when youre afraid of yourself
the way i am of me

walk with me
i think i'm sleeping
but i cant seem to wake myself
when i need to be
and i cant seem to stop myself
when i'm crying
and i dont want to drown
in my own tears again
and i dont want to waste away
again

give me time
and tomorrow i will be the same
give me time
and i'll be back
to the way i was yesterday

how long

2008-05-20T14:05:00.001-07:00

sitting on the shoreline
in between yesterday and today
watching the tide
as it rolls away
i've got my old sentiments
tucked neatly in the back of my mind
and i think i'm too afraid to smile

the air smells of old laughter
and emptiness
and the blank expression on my face
tells you how i feel
when i dont want to feel anymore

and i slept alone last nite
and i'm too empty on the inside
to be this hurt
at my own masochism
when the world always turns its back
and walks away from me

well its four in the morning
rain on my window
and i feel so stale
and so troubled
that i dont want to bother
anyone
anymore

***********

my world was shaken up
and all i wanted
was to void myself away
and hide my own emotions
from myself and me
and when it starts to rain
i cant help but feel the pain
and i am too afraid to stay
in the backseat

it feels like five minutes ago
when it was really much longer
than we imagined
and beneath my bruises
lies a fragile little soul
and beneath my burning heart
lies an empty little world

how long can i be like this
before i break my own veins
and how long can i survive
without tearing away my brain

changing

2008-05-20T14:04:00.002-07:00

silent screams
and bad dreams
lost in a jar of obsessions
and disillusions
too afraid of the silence
that speaks to me
in tongues

and i said
you change like the weather
but we're always changing
and i cant help if i am this way
the oceans dont come my direction
so where do i fall
when the shore isnt here
and i'm sure i'm not there

if the stars asked me
where will you go
if you go away
what can i say to them?
when the bandages come off tonite

my pages
ended
right when yours began
and the rain
washed away
the words i had written
in the sand
never build your castle
in the sand

and i'm not worried
i'm not too far gone
wrap me up
tuck me away
and i will be okay
if its okay with you

i said
you change like the highway
but you were always like that
curving me around your finger
holding me in
and i cant help
feeling how i feel
when i feel for you

but i'm not worried
and i'm not so sure
pin me down
and take me home
before i change my mind

just one more cigarette
and you never know
who your friends really are
and this "i am yours
and you are mine"
i dont understand it this time
and i've been pushed around
just a little too much
to keep from breaking
so excuse my pieces

and you said
baby you change like a monet
dont let time wash you away
youre much to beautiful
to let it all fade
and i said beauty isnt what it use to be
but if you want
you can keep me here
and dont throw away your key

*****************

thirteen miles east of nowhere
and i'm too afraid to sleep
three cigarettes left
and ten minutes til insanity
and if i'm right
too many bad dreams
will keep me up tonite

ten blocks west of a friday nite
and i got lost again
on my way home
from baker street
and its cadillacs
that gleam in the moonlight
talked me out of crying tonite

two weeks and i'm still alive
with one more bottle of wine
and i wont be sober anymore
and the days wont seem so bad
when i open my eyes
to find the daylight staring back at me
from this hallway

three am
the middle of november
and my voice scares me sometimes
when i've been alone too long
and i heard

you
made yourself stay awake
much too much more
and its hard
to breathe
when no one
will breathe for me
and my words get caught
in my own book

************

dont say its gonna be okay
when you dont know what okay is
and dont tell me its all gonna be alright
when alright walked out on me last nite
please dont say "we are one"
when one always ends up alone
cause i know
that i never was
the fantasy
of what you wanted to see
when you
dreamed of me

and baby
your boots can walk fast
when they walk on me
and i cant find your face
in my magazine
pass another bottle

but give me just one more day
and i'll be okay
just let me stay a part of your world
and your oceans
and let me and you
become the simple us
that so long have i waited
to hear
but i'd wait another year
if thats what you wanted me to do

oblivion doesnt exist

2008-05-20T14:04:00.001-07:00

never knew oblivion
its all so subliminal
always in your head
never once felt happiness
or sucess
always one step down from where i stand

just one more moment
and i think i can crash
and just one more comment
and i think i can dash
out into the pouring rain
and if i dont drown
wake me when its over
wake me when oblivion sets in
and touches me with happiness

and if i dream of you
then i can feel one piece of a smile
and if i think of you
i can wish i werent alone

anywhere but down

2008-05-20T14:03:00.002-07:00

we never sleepwalk alone
but sometimes i feel like its always me
who's the one without anything
and i cant seem to keep myself
down anywhere but down
and i would drive all afternoon
if it meant driving away from here
i cant hold myself up
when i keep getting down
and i cant keep myself dry
when all i do is cry

and if i rearrange my mind
maybe i can be here awhile
without falling short of myself
on this long road ahead of me

a friend of mine
said its okay to be you
cause i like the way you are
its okay you know
to be a little scared
its just hard i say
to be scared all the time
but the reward is always
the same punishment
loving me is like loving
something hard to understand

but if i rearrange my mind
maybe i can find time
to be a bit happy in my skin
and i wont fall short of myself
on this long road ahead of me

eaten alive

2008-05-20T14:03:00.001-07:00

eaten alive

ive been eaten alive
and spit out like dirt
ive been chewed up whole
and tossed away like scum
i thought i was worth more
than you must think i am
i thought i was smarter
than i guess i really am
i guess i must be blind
thats what you think i am

ive been eaten alive
and kicked around like shit
ive been eaten alive
and played like a joke
i thought i was tougher
than i think i am
i thought i was quicker
than you thought id ever be

i guess im less than what we both
ever thought i was

discovered

2008-05-20T14:02:00.001-07:00

i think i'm losing control
not sure where to go
the sky has turned on me
the rain is falling too fast too see
and i think that i fell in love with you all over again

i discovered your beauty
as it lay inside of me
all those endless nights missing you
i was really missing me
and i discovered your heartbeat
beating inside of me

i think i've lost my ticket
and i'm on the wrong track
i'm not going anywhere tonite
unless youre coming back
the snow is still falling
and i think i missed you too much tonite

i discovered your love
as it waited for me
all those tireless nights wanting you
i was really wanting me
and i discovered your faith
as it believed in me

i discovered you loving me
and i want to thank you for loving me
and discovering me
caring for me
until i discovered you